Blogcast 

02.10.2023

Blog 2: Dinner table story + painful lifelessons + Birthday Prayer

Today is my Birthday. I’m inviting everybody to the dinner table.
We are eating Italian I’m having a quatro fromaggi pizza, order anything it’s on me.
While the waitress takes the orders to the kitchen I’ll tell y’all a little dinner table story.

Last year  I put boundaries up and no longer gave my time/energy/money away while I was healing from a burnout that made me take my dad’s offer to move back home.
That’s when my stepsister made the camera, laptops, etc. I use it for modeling and producing, disappear.
How do I know? Because only the two of us were at home until I went outside for a walk and groceries.

I was in my room in my dad’s house hysterically crying out loud, why? Because I didn’t want to hurt anybody. This was the ultimate self-control test.
It was like my spirit left my body. I felt numb.
And I said God: Remember that you said you only give your children battles you know they could handle or something like that?
Well, I can’t handle this one I guess it’s time to come home. I’ve had enough I would go to bed and cry myself to sleep hoping I would wake up in the land of the aliens or the afterlife.

And every day I woke up disappointed. I’m still here in this damned world??!
The days seemed longer than usual, I couldn’t come out the bed and I refused to eat.
I was crying day in and day out, and nobody cared to come into the room to comfort me.

So on the third day, I kid you not, I got a download. God answered.
God said: “Vic, aren’t you always complaining about not having time to travel and relax? Look at you, completely burned out from overworking yourself and pleasing those around you while neglecting yourself in the process. And you know damn well not to go back to a place that continuously showed you the unconditional love you have for it is not mutual. You better get your ass out of the bed pack a bag and leave while I’m handling the rest for you, like you know I’ll always do.”

I was like, well, you have a point there God.On the third day, I rose from the dead.
I threw in the towel, and God threw it back at me.

I told a photographer friend of mine that I was planning a shoot with, what happened.
And he said Vic, I’m in Germany now come this way for a couple of days to clear your head it’s on me I’ll take care of you.
Here I was in Germany, feeling a bit better but still crying every day. Because I hoped I would get the call that my stuff reappeared but I didn’t. So after a week in Germany, I had to go back to Belgium, but I had no home to go back to and the vacation I booked was 3 weeks ahead. So I lived in an Airbnb in Brussels close to the Josephat parc I would visit daily to sit in the grass watching people work out, walk their dogs, and have family picnics to kill time. I still hoped I would get that call, that my stuff reappeared.

I bought new appliances and a camera.
Finally, 3 weeks later I flew to Greece.
It was so magical, the people were very nice to me, amazing weather, great food. I finally stopped crying.
After extending my vacation for another week I had to go back, but still no home to go back to. And I didn’t tell anybody, to avoid being taken advantage of.

Besides that, I hoped that my family wouldn’t turn on me and this was just a weird nightmare. But I have always been the black sheep, I should have seen this coming.
After growing up in foster care, I wasn’t supposed to make something out of my life.
Although I beat the odds.
I felt like those rappers who made it big and returned to their old neighborhood only to get shot and killed by Judas in his camp.

I had some shoots on the planning in Belgium that I had to tend to. And I couldn’t think clearly about where I wanted to live. Back to Airbnb life, it was until my next flight. And that’s how it went until the end of 2022. I was living on flight modus.
Every day I still hoped I would get that damn call, saying my stuff was back.
Until I accepted the situation for what it was after 7 months.

In the meantime, my rainy day funds were almost exhausted and I just couldn’t find the courage to model. It was triggering me.
I also gained a lot of weight from emotional eating, which made me self-conscious about my body.
I refused to tell the public what happened. After everything I had already publicly gone through, I didn’t want to give those who already were actively tainting my reputation that satisfaction,  I  rather die first.
Eventually, I let the world know what I was going through as I announced my hiatus in February 2023.
I decided that I wanted to leave the west of Europe for good. For now.I accepted everything I knew that would come with people knowing that I was vulnerable. I had to accept the available help therefore I became an easy target. I guess I also had to see and experience that for future reference.
But that’s a story for another time.

I moved to the South of Europe and I finally felt peace. The brain fog was gone I could think straight again. In that peaceful state, I went through all the backup clouds, Google Drive, Google Photos, Dropbox, OneDrive, and emails retrieving at least 90% of what I thought I lost of photography and film material.
It’s just the things I haven’t backed up, the unseen pet projects that I was working on that are still lost.

Now looking back at everything 1 year and 3 months later. I see the test God put me in.
If everything I worked so hard to get off the ground, build, and buy with my blood sweat, and tears was taken away from me, will I still believe that the same God that gave it to me, will provide? I did.

And the lesson in this was that sometimes the closure you think you need, is having peace with not getting any.
The why is no longer important, it’s a distraction. YOU are important…

Hey, it looks like the food arrived, everybody bow your heads let’s say grace:
“On this beautiful day on October 2nd, 2023 I would like to thank the Most High and all the angels assigned to guide and protect me on my life journey for granting me another round around the sun. May everyone who finds offense in God’s promise to me, receive the help to have all their wants, needs and desires met so that they don’t feel the need to attack my spirit and face the consequences of doing so. May they find the same peace and faith that I have. May Everyone who shows me genuine love and support have that returned 10-fold.
May I live long enough to see it happen?
Asé - Amen.”

Buon appetito

© C’estMabelleVictoire